Friday 9th June
Germany 4 Costa Rica 2
Jesse from the Fast Show emerges dishevelled from his shed door. 'Today I sharl be mostly supportin' Los....Ticos'. Alas, the Germans played the right game and played some entertaining football. There was a brief moment of joy when Costa Rica equalised in the first half through long gone ex-premiership Paulo Wanchope but it looks as though at least second in the group is assured already for Germany. I just can't help pointlessly bellowing 'Schweinstiger!' in my head. What a great name.
Poland 0 Ecuador 2
Surprising in that Ecuador have actually achieved a win at sea level. The Poles looked out of their depth at World Cup level and looked toothless up front. Let's hope they recover for their next match against Germany. As Adrian Chiles pointed out ominously 'Poland will set out to achieve what they've never done before. Beat Germany'. News emerges that Togo's coach Otto Pfister (no giggling at the back!) has resigned over a pay issue.
Saturday 10th June
England 1 Paraguay 0
Mindless optimism reigns in the streets of Enfield Wash and Freezywater at even 8am whilst going for a run. A large gentlemen dressed in a two foot predominantly white hat but sans t shirt walks towards the newsagents whilst cars drive by bedecked in numerous St George flags. As for the game itself it was the worst of the 3 on offer. England took the lead through an own goal and took control of the game in the first half and then there was the second half. A timid England emerged with inept and desperate defending worthy of Conference level and a couple of long range shots. Then there was Sven's pointless substitutions. When a chance went begging for Owen he was already off the field after being replaced by the impressive Downing. Excuses from Sven post-match included the very hot weather (aaaahh!) although the game was played in what seemed to be world's largest greenhouse. The referee Rodriguez was irritating in the extreme by favouring the South Americans at every decision and not at least for the oil slick on his head. Luckily for us Paraguay were ordinary. Still it's 3 points isn't it?
Trinidad & Tobago 0 Sweden 0
In Trinadanian maternity wards babies are born and there is an administrative cock up. First names and surnames are swapped when registered and then baptised. How else do you explain the names 'Avery John, Stern John and Cornell Glen'? The aforementioned Avery was sent off for simply winning the ball by tackling the player. (Isn't football supposed to be a physical man's game?) The ruling over dangerous tackling from Fifa means that even if you win the ball you can still get a yellow card. Another wonderful idea from that interfering old tinker Sepp Blatter and which probably means England are fucked. What about a yellow card for those who gesture to the ref to get a player yellow or red carded. The first big hair alert of the tournament was from a Swede whose name escapes me. Someone ought to tell him that the rats tail effect died 15 years ago along with bumbags and shell suits.
If you look up the word 'trite' in the Oxford English there will be a reference to ITV's Clive Tyldesley. His typically Partridge-esque comments included:
'Leo Beenhakker will be telling his team to chill out at half time' (joke?)
'It would have been fairer if they'd played one half of football and one half of cricket'
After Avery's unjust sending off 30 seconds into the second half, everyone who wasn't Swedish was willing them on and they nearly achieved it through some seriously hard graft and indeed nearly snatched a winner late on when T&T volleyed against the crossbar. Ibrahimovic is fighting off competition from Argentina for most arrogant and odious player as he used his elbows to defend himself from a T&T defender late in the game. Still the combined efforts of a Port Vale, Gillingham and Wrexham defender were enough to hold the mightly Swedes to one of the best goalless draws I've seen and even Larsson got a yellow. Bring on England!
Argentina 2 Ivory Coast 1
Ahh Group C. 'El Gruppo Del Morte' An exciting game with two clashes of cultures is about to take place but no one seems to have told Jay-Jay Okocha in the ITV studios who is as animated as a frozen duck. Jospeh Pekerman (no more giggling or theyr'll be detention!) manages a wily and inventive team with the ever impressive Riquelme and after two early goals it looks as though the Elephants debut is a forgettable one although on 81 minutes they pull a goal back and look like pulling off a memorable draw but time runs out as they gain momentum.
Hair alert 2 - The greying Keita looks like he's just come out of the shower without rinsing the shampoo out of his hair.
Holland 1 Serbia & Montenegro 0
Lisa and I try our local 'The Goat' for some hearty Sunday lunch but we leave disappointed after being told they only do food from Monday to Friday. We end up in the 'Beef & Barrel' which is completely deserted and which makes me think of walking out but the barmaid very kindly sets up the screen projector and the blinds to stop the sun ruining our view of the game. Being very middle class I buy the Sunday Times and read it before kick off and to my slight suprise I see that spin doctor and bully boy, Alastair Campbell is doing his very own world cup blog. I feel slightly cheapened. Mine is definitely better. I don't even need to read it to know that. Mine isn't ghost written by 1200 civil servants.
The ref must have heard my comment about players gesturing to show cards for fouls. Koromic for S&M (as Wrighty would like to call them) got a yellow for that same offence. Just to annoy me even more he crosses himself as if to justify his actions. Robben looking pacy and lethal slots home the only goal of the game.
Mexico 3 Iran 1
An unimpressed Mexican captain accepts a large 3 by 2 foot painting instead of a flimsy pennant from the Iranian captain at the start of the game no doubt with his mother's recipe for chickpea and couscous dahl embroided in the pattern. The Mexican's are managed by a sinister chain-smoking man with a goatee who looks like an extra from Reservoir Dogs - 'Mr Beige' perhaps although the BBC compare him to 'Ming the Merciless' from 'Flash Gordon'. The Mexican supporters try to upset the Iranians with the 'U. S. A. !' chant and it works when Mexico take the lead through a neatly finished move from Bravo. The Iranians equalise through the brilliantly named 'Golmohammadi'. Jonathan Pearce pronounces this and another Iranian names (if they contain an 'H') as if he is hawking up a fish bone.
It's looking to head to a 1-1 draw when on 75 minutes the Iranians make two dreadful errors which allows Bravo to score. Although it ends up 3-1, the Mexicans don't convince me that they can get any further than the Quarter finals again.
Must remember to fill in my David Bellamy 'I Spy' book on Car Flags. Iran - 6 points, Portugal - 3 points, Ghana - 7 points.
Angola 0 Portugal 1
Whenever Cristiano Ronaldo looks disappointed with something or somebody his expression mirrors that of an 8 year old whose trip to Thorpe Park has been cancelled. Their failure to finish off Angola makes them look average which is good news for England if we meet them in the quarters. Not so at the beginning of the game when Angola froze for the first 5 minutes and it looked as if it was going to be very embarrassing. Figo ran past a stationary defender and passed to Pauleta who rifled home. After that, Angola regained their composure and started to string some passes together but acrobatic bicycle kicks from Akwa aside they couldn't get near an equaliser during the game. Group D appears to be running to the form guide.
Hair Alert 3: Loco is bald apart from a 5 inch dreadlocked fringe. Crazy name, crazy guy!
Australia 3 Japan 1
Will someone please turn the thermostat down in Germany? I was hoping that Japan would survive a 1-0 victory but instead they wilted in the last 10 minutes (38c at the start of the game) allowing the Aussies to score three through Cahill and Aloisi. The Aussies experienced refereeing at it's most inept when Schwarzer was clearly bundled when attempting to punch the ball away. Instead, it just floated over his head and bounced reluctantly over the line. Japan's manager who once looked like a playboy now resembles a well-to-do architect from Guildford. His tactics in the second half based on defending the one goal lead looked to be spot until Cahill's equaliser. Japan still suffer from not being able to physically impose themselves on the game. Not a problem for Lucas Neill or Craig Moore who were intent on kicking midfielders up in the air when things went against them. Time looked to be running out for Australia until they introduced Jesus of Nazerath on to the field. Actually it was Josh Kennedy but he certainly, to use a Tyldsley-ism, resurrected their hopes.
Cahill who scored Australia's second was lucky to be on the field after upending Nakata in the penalty area. Nakata very politely didn't protest at this foul which suggests that you must roll around and dive on the floor to gain any sense of justice in football although there was a sense of zero tolerance against pushing and shoving. Australia looked every inch a middling battling Premiership side and it will be interesting to see how they fare against the technical mastery of the Brazilians but they surely have a good to even chance against Croatia who will do well to be thoroughly prepared.
One of the Australian managers at work put a bet of £50 on Australia at 23-1 to get through the group stages netting her at least a grand if they beat Croatia.
USA 0 Czech Republic 3
The Czechs looked very strong and defensively robust as the US toiled against them with only Reyna really troubling their goal. Unbeknown to me, Rosicky will be playing for Arsenal next season and he scored two absolute beauties from 30 yards out. Koller got the first in the first five minutes heading a bullet passed the hapless Kasey Keller. Then just before half time Koller pulled up with a hamstring to burst their bubble. Despite having Milan Baros up front they should be able to conjure goals from midfield and put in a very strong showing based on this performance.
Italy 2 Ghana 0
Ghana tore up the rule book that states that World Cup newcomers are supposed to be placid and be rolled over by one of the tournament favourites. (This blogger reckons the Italians will go all the way despite the corruption scandals overshadowing them) Essien, Appiah and Asamoah starred going forward and seriously troubled the bewildered Italian defence. Ghana were strong going forward and resolute in defence. Their 4-1 friendly victory over Jamaica puts England's 6-0 over them in perspective.
Pirlo scored a belter from outside the box just before half time which curled in to the right hand corner and from then on the Italians never really looked back as the Ghanaians failed to put the final pass together in the second half. It's not over for Ghana, who can look forward to their game against the Czechs knowing that they still have a realistic chance of sneaking through to the second round even though it will probably be a match against Brazil.
Togo 1 South Korea 2
Togo playing in Norwich City colours and South Korea playing in a horrible synthetic red makes for wearing sunglasses. Pfister, manager for Togo is back after his payment for 10 million bazutis (or thereabouts) has now been rectified. Togo strike first after Kader slots the shot home from 20 yards and it looks as if Togo will be the first African nation in this World Cup to win. However, it was not to be. In the second half, ChongSoo sporting a blonde mullet (Bucks Fizz circa Eurovision 1981) scored a Beckham-esque free kick outside the area from a resulting red card for Abalo. South Korea score a second through Ahn Jung-Wahn and the game is over bar a chance or two for Togo's Adebayor. As in the previous World Cup, the South Koreans make a serious amount of noise although when they even get 30 yeards in front of goal it sounds like an England Schoolboys international, such is the high pitched shreiking.
France 0 Switzerland 0
Thuram, Zidane, Wiltord, Viera, Henry, Barthez. All relics from 1998. It shows because they are one-paced and slow. Even Henry, though he would be the last to admit it, played a very ordinary game. On the face of it both teams should go through to the next round but no further on the basis of this performance. The omens for this match weren't good. When they played each other in qualifying they drew twice and the Swiss have drawn 9 out of their last 19 games. The Swiss have the best chance of the first half when Senderos knocks the ball on the upright. Half time came round and as O'Neill astutely pointed out 'Why did they take Sylvian Wiltord over Ludovic Giuly?' who has the pace and invention to make a difference to this now one-dimensional team who had loads of possession but no end product. To use a Tyldesley-ism - 'they huffed and puffed but couldn't blow the chalet down!' The Russian referee was a real fusspot producing card after card for minor infractions - McCarthy 'He's a wally in his spare time!' Togo and South Korea have no reason to be afraid other than being bored into submission.
Brazil 1 Croatia 0
The footballing equivalent of the Harlem Globetrotters kick off their campaign slowly with a moment of brilliance to thank for their victory. However, although the defence is ageing with Cafu at 37 he is still scampering around like a man half his age. Roberto Carlos also darts back and forth over the halfway line like a bumblebee at 33 but less can be said of the man 4 years younger. From 'do no Ron' to 'fat Ron' in a season Ronaldo looks as if the last six months he has gone a special diet of Caipairinhas and deep fried cheesy nachos. Despite being 3 goals away from a World Cup record of 15 goals he doesn't look remotely bothered, shuffling around like bored teenager who's been forced to go on a cross country run. In short, Brazil coast to victory. Perhaps Ronaldo is saving his energy.
Croatia don't look to have improved since Euro 2004. Their passing is occasionally sloppy and prone to errors and it took one lapse of concentration for Kaka to punish them with a lethal strike from just outside the box. Croatia work well as a unit but don't possess what I, and no doubt Ray Wilkins would describe as 'world class'. Olic and Prso looked dangerous and had the passing been incisive then the score and the game surely would have been more exciting.
Spain 4 Ukraine 0
Wasn't this supposed to be first vs second in the group? Ukraine looked fairly tame against a strong Spanish side who tore them apart with Torres looking more of a man than the callow youth he was in Euro 2004 with his strong changes in direction and speed. Ukraine were unlucky to go 3-0 and a man down when Vashchuk was dismissed for try to pull down Torres' shorts although this was outside the area. Ukraine had long range chances through the impressive Voronin but Shevchenko was pretty anonymous (not that he had much of a service)
Famous last words but you've got to say it.... Spain's year at last?
Tunisia 2 Saudi Arabia 2
Ukraine were given a potential lifeline by a late equaliser from Jaidi of Tunisia. To tell you the truth I missed this one because I thought this would be a straight forward win for Tunisia and so I went out for a long walk in Enfield Highway park with Lisa. Jazeri scored a lovely volley for Tunisia from what I saw of the BBC online highlights.
Germany 1 Poland 0
Poland's defensive gamble nearly paid off with a point but they really should have gone for the win as Ecuador look set to take three points tomorrow from Costa Rica but instead it's the (probably) the earliest plane home for them after Neuville scored in the 91st minute. It was even-stevens up to the half hour mark when Germany took a stranglehold of the game. Klose and Podolski missed a string of very good chances and there must be a nagging worry for Klinsmann that there will be far fewer chances against the likes of top quality opposition in the next rounds. The worry now is that Germany have built up a head of steam and are looking confident so England just win your bloody group will you as we never do well against the host nation!
Expect there to be a lack of co-operation from your local builders, plumbers and electricians tomorrow in the North London area!
Looking forward to tomorrow as England play T&T and I will be watching it in the pub in Central London.
Ecuador 3 Costa Rica 0
Another match featuring the Ecuadorians that I've missed! Lisa, Martyn and I got back for the last goal in a pub called the Duke of Abermarle near Green Park and watched the highlights which showed they play a very direct European style and OK they've only beaten Costa Rica and Poland but very convincingly unlike......
England 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0
It's been a smashing day. The weather's been hot but not sweltering. Lisa and I have had a lovely walk and picnic in Notting Hill & Holland Park and we've found a decent pub called the Duke of Abermarle after been turned away from the snooty Henry's who demand tickets at the door. We've even managed to find a perfect spot to watch it. Except England are playing. The supporters in the pub are curiously muted and even I'm not in a particularly boisterous mood. By 70 minutes Crouch, Owen and Lampard had missed a hatful of chances. In particular, Crouch had an open goal volley which he hammered way off target from 10 yards out with only Hislop to beat. T&T played a canny game and kept England at bay by playing deep. Rooney comes on but it is clear he needs a couple of games before he gets match fit. Sven's subs worked this time. Owen came off again and Aaron Lennon came on taunting and teasing the defence down the right hand side. When Crouch headed in it was cheers of relief and then Gerrard smacked in a superb shot to cover England's blemishes to make it 2-0.
Sweden 1 Paraguay 0
I get to 5 pints of London Pride and I'm barely watching and certainly not concentrating on the game so we talk to the girls who were sitting near us during the game. I'm not getting any interest in going off for a curry or Thai so I order 4 packets of McCoys. (Mexican Chilli flavour is the business!) and later on have a Twirl from a tube vending machine to sustain me. Very healthy James!
Like, Freddie Ljungberg who scored from a header in the last couple of minutes to send Paraguay home early, so did Martyn. He managed to get Sarah's phone number. The real coincidence is that they were all Paediatric nurses, the same as Lisa! The fact that they were nurses certainly didn't deter Martyn or 'Pedro' as he was monickered by Sarah.
Back to the football. If T&T beat Paraguay by two goals and England beat Sweden then T&T are through to the next round. However, England will want to avoid a resurgent Germany who will need to beat Ecuador to top Group A.
Argentina 6 Serbia & Montenegro 0
Like them or loathe them you'd be mad not to loathe them! Everyone is talking about the fact that one goal scored by Cambiasso took 24 passes although as Lawro pointed out this could mean 24 potential errors. Admirable though this was, this is a very poor S&M who didn't look as if they were trying that hard and were resigned to their miserable fate. Argentina's one-touch passing was excellent though and we saw the arrival of Lionel Messi with his excellent ball control and goal. (We have already seen the cynical side though when he rolled over at least 4 times to get a Chelsea player sent off when he played for Barcelona) Everyone is now tipping Argentina as winners which is just plain ridiculous!
Holland 2 Ivory Coast 1
The Africans most likely to reach the next round are now the most likely to catch the plane home. A superb free kick by Van Persie and a neat finish from Van Nistelrooy in the first half sealed the win even after Ivory Coast had pulled one back from B Kone but the Dutch held on in the second half to seal their passage to the next round and either face (probably) Portugal or Mexico.
Mexico 0 Angola 0
An African side's first point of the tournament! It's a shame that the groups are following such a familiar pattern (bar Ecuador) and the favourites are through once again.
Decided to cut my losses and miss this game by having a meal out with Lisa and friends. A lovely Crayfish starter, Linguine with Meatballs and a heavenly cheesecake. Not that I'm on commission but if you like Italian food you'd do worse than go and visit Prezzo (a chain which is a sort of up-market Pizza Express)
Portugal 2 Iran 0
Portugal finally reach the second round for the first time since 1966 with Ronaldo scoring a penalty to seal the win. Iran never looked like getting close to an equaliser and Portugal ran the show.
Czech Republic 0 Ghana 2
At last! An open group which isn't running to expectations! Ghana made Czechy look fairly ordinary. A physical side, Ghana took control of he game and the Czechs were relieved to lose by only two goals. Could Ghana face Brazil if they beat USA in a few days time?
My enjoyment of the game was spolit by the fact some unsociable peasant/tosser in one of the above flats has been flicking cigarette ash and butts down on to our wooden decking area and I spent my angry energy composing a terse note to stop it happening. Grr!
Italy 1 USA 1
A roaring ripsnorter of a game. I give it a man-plus! Just when I thought that this was turning out to be a worthy, pretty yet predictable tournament we get two teams intent on being growling ogres on amphetamines. Bruce Arena obviously gave his team a proper bollocking after they laid down so tamely against Czechy because they stuck their trident up the Italian's collective arses. Italy opened up their red card account with a vicious elbow from De Rossi who left McBride with an injury as comparably bad to the result of telling a gaggle Leeds fans in the Ritzy nightclub that they've had their mum. You could tell the Italians were seriously rattled even though they were already one-nil up after 20 minutes.
Zaccardo's hilarious 180 degree slice gave the Americans the equaliser before they needlessly took revenge with two horror tackles from Mastroeni and Pope made it 10 men to 9 in favour of the Italians. Even with a man down and terrific pressure on goal, USA held out and indeed should have gone 2-1 up from Beasley except that a player was deemed to be interfering in an offside position. Lippi, the Italian manager now seems to bear a startling resemblence to Jimmy Hill (without famous jutting chin) and Peter Drury sounded like someone's Dad when he announced to the world that he didn't know what 'freestyle rapping' was, with reference to a US player. Watch 8 Mile Peter!
All this in front of the Blatt-meister and Der Kasier. Heh heh.
Croatia 0 Japan 0
A match deserving of a Sunday afternoon and I should have continued sanding down a wooden chair (I am a man, doing man-things after all) Both teams must win to have the best chance of qualifying in the next game. However, Srna has a penalty saved by Kawaguchi and Takahara misses an open goal from two yards out and still manages to go the other side of the goalkeeper out of play. Olic comes on for the last twenty looking like the East European version of Rooney (i.e. Shrek 2) but to no obvious advantage.
Australia 0 Brazil 2
Ken Dodd once had an affair with a beautiful Brazilian samba dancer and their union brought Ronaldinho into the world. (The player inheriting Ken's cartoon-like face and perm) There may also be a case for Ronaldo as well who could open bottles of beer with his overbite. They are also both human and not from the planet Zarg as Ronaldinho trod on the ball and fell over. Both teams nullifed eash other in the first half with the Australians defending stoutly in numbers. Markus Merk the Berk was Mr Fusspot Extraordinaire with his card showing and intolerance.
The second half was far better and even though Adriano put Brazil in front with a deft turn and strike in to the left corner it was Australia who created many clear chances. Most notably was Kewell who missed an open goal and Viduka. Brazil showed just enough magic to win it but the jury is still out on them. Is it a question of them not trying hard enough and to wait until the group stages or are they a much poorer side than 4 years ago as they are now without Rivaldo.
The second decisive goal was scored by the substitute 'Fred'. Rumours that 'Bill', 'Percy', 'Bert' and 'Reg' were in reserve proved unfounded.
South Korea 1 France 1
There's not much to like about the French side. Henry's taciturn manner and his body-language suggesting that he is never at fault annoys me. He scored one out of three good chances and should have put the plucky Koreans out of their misery. Instead, the team of the noisiest supporters in the tournament (partly due to what are termed 'wanker wands' which are plastic cylinders brought together producing an irritating percussive sound) are inexplicably top. Franck Ribery looks a bit like Prince Ludwig the indestructible from Blackadder with his ridiculously long facial scar along with shorts, spots and greasy hair. You also have to despise Fabian Barthez for going out with the model Helena Christiansen. France are due to play Spain if they finish second and it will be all they deserve! Park Ji Sung gets the equaliser with the ball bouncing awkwardly passed William Gallas.
Switzerland 2 Togo 0
Oh dear. The Euro bores look set to go through and thanks to frankly pony ref Togo also go out. Adebayor was permanently complaining but with good reason. All Togo have to do now to win my total admiration for them is to beat France and send them out of the competition for the second World Cup running.
Ukraine 4 Saudit Arabia 0
Ukraine take out their Spanish frustration by walloping Saudi by the same scoreline. The crunch match will be against Tunisia which I expect them to win.
Spain 3 Tunisia 1
An exciting and wet game in which Tunisia went in 1-0 at half time and it all seemed to be going hideously wrong for the Spanish but to dispel those fears Spain stuck three past the hapless Tunisia who look to be prolonging their unwanted record of no wins in the finals since 1978. Spain's attacking options look pretty hot and it would be good to test them against the French who look to be facing them in the next round. Henry is particular has a score to settle with the unapologetic racist Snr Aragones. A juicy one methinks. Oh no it's England day tomorrow except that for the first time since 1982 its a meaningless game. Well maybe.
Germany 3 Ecuador 0 / Costa Rica 1 Poland 2
So how hard were Ecuador really trying? They had already qualified. Perhaps they have come down from their 'high' as it were. If the answer was to win the game then whoever plays Germany will have their work cut out. So comprehensive was the victory that Ecuador were restricted to long range efforts. It's looking ominously like Germany can be winners again. I don't think I can handle that. Mind you I could say that about Argentina and Portugal and come to think of it everybody else!
Now the pressure's off both teams played an open exciting game. The Polish keeper was at fault for the free kick which was nutmegged passed him. After that, Poland had the sort of form that saw them destroy teams like Wales in the qualifying. If only they'd used that in the first two games. A repeat of 2002 for them. Looks like the international bow of Paulo Wanchope.
England 2 Sweden 2/Paraguay 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0
Back in the Duke of Albermarle pub near Green Park for a few bevvies. An all star cast to watch it including Lisa, Peter, Davina, Steve G, Simon and Deanne plus the girls from the last game. Martyn's potential romantic interest Sarah was also there but despite some hard grafting left the pub with no more than a outside chance of any further canoodling. Never mind lad let's try a different pub - The Rampage perhaps for our probable Quarter final exit? England played some very attractive football and may it be noted without Michael Owen who limped off after a couple of minutes with a cruciate knee problem which will probably keep him for 6 months. Apparently, Newcastle are going to get some compensation which makes my blood boil. Another sign of money ruining the game. As for Michael, it looks like those days of scampering about like a leopard on speed are over and calls into question about the wisdom of a young player of 16-17 suffering future burn-out after playing so many games. See Robbie Fowler et al.
Joe Cole scored a wonder goal from outside the box (to add to all the other in the tournament) and we were starting to look like piecing together a very decent side sans Owen until of course the second half when Sweden's long ball direct style of play started to overturn our advantage. We looked bamboozled by the very style of play that typifies the Premiership. Our set piece defending was poor and a serious concern which we will need to iron out before we play Ecuador who play a similar game. Allback equalised from a corner and it looked as if we were going to defend for the last half an hour. Gerrard settled nerves with a header on 85 minutes, the pub erupted and it finally looked we were going to crack the Swedish 38 year curse until the hated Larsson equalised. Just bloody retire will you. All this delighted the small Swedish/Scottish contingent. On particular Scot was celebrating with such gusto that I growled at him to fuck off. I do lose my head only in these situations although it was after several pints. One of the Swedish contingent was a left over from the Japanese rent-a-crowd from the 2002 finals. He had the good grace to shake my hand and wish me luck for the next round and I told him that I hope they beat Germany. Such is our inability to finish off opponents of a similar quality level and frailty under pressure that I can't see us going past the Quarter final stage. Better to be pessimistic. That way you're never disappointed. From an HR point of view, if this tournament was an appraisal then then the results/progress for England would be a 'Met Expectations'. In fact make that every tournament we've had Eriksson for. Let's try and make it an 'Exceeds Expectations' this time.
The irony for Paraguay's first goal is that it was a floated free kick headed in by a T&T defender. A carbon copy of England's first goal against Paraguay. T&T had their chances but their highlight was to hold Sweden to a draw and for that they can return with heads held high. That was the result that meant England are playing Ecuador rather than Germany. Amen to that.
Portugal 2 Mexico 1/Iran 1 Angola 1
Portugal and Mexico are unlucky enough to be drawn against either Holland or Argentina. Mexico show guile and creativity in midfield but are only occasionally clinical when chances are presented to them. Example, was when Bravo missed a penalty which could have made it 2-2. Defensively they are lacking solidity and appear to be physically small compared with other teams. Portugal on the other hand look to be getting into their stride and was reminded that they still have rat-faced Nuno Gomes when he came off the subs bench.
Flavio for Angola scored a wonderful direct header from a cross and if they'd scored two in the last twenty minutes and could have put Mexico out of the competition although I have a feeling they were more concerned about getting a win in the World Cup rather such lofty ambition. However, they went to sleep at the back and let in a soft header from a corner. Game over for both sides.
Argentina 0 Holland 0/Ivory Coast 3 Serbia & Montenegro 2
The table toppers played out a meaningless, neat and attractive draw which had the manner of a friendly but which has significance for the Quarter Finals should England get there. It means England will be playing Holland which is far more preferable against the creative flair of Argentina who look as if they could turn a game in an instant. Holland are solid and dangerous but predictable with only Arjen Robben and the Ruud boy as their outstanding players.
The tallest striker, Zigic, who has eyes as big as Switzerland and toes the size of Sardinia lumbers through the crumbling Ivorian defence to make it 1-0. Ilic makes it 2-0 and it's all looking rather easy. Then S&M start to mix up their sports and play Basketball attempting to snatch the ball from De-Fence as it's crossed in the penalty area. The referee on both occasions though is tuned in and the Ivorians win their first game in the finals and have a war dance around the corner flag. Shame they weren't in a different/easier group!
Italy 2 Czech Republic 0
The Italian shirts have a curious design which implies they have huge sweat stains running from their shoulders and armpits. A kind of black and blue which is a bit of a fashion faux pas but who am I to judge! The Czechs push forward but lack the killer pass and indeed the assassin to put it away. They are missing Koller because Baros just gets sheparded out of play by the Italian defenders who incidentally fall t0 the floor dying at the slightest touch. Some things never change. Materazzi scores against the run of play and the Czechs have their backs against the wall. Gattuso has an excellent game and appears to be the hardest of the Italians (not that difficult a title really) as does Cameronese who looks like a pony-tailed Steven Seagal.
The Czechs really shoot themselves in the foot when Polak goes off for a second yellow early in the second half and when they push up the inevitable happens and Inzaghi rounds the keeper to finish off the hapless Czechs. Incredible turn around after the Czech's display against USA.
Ghana 2 USA 1
Ghana take the lead when the ball is stolen from Claudio Reyna and slotted home by Dramani. The US equalise through a crossed ball to Dempsey at the far post. The game's controversial moment though comes just before half time and proves decisive in deciding the outcome of the group. Pimpong was adjudged to have been fouled by a very innocuous push from Oguchi. Once again the idiot at the wheel was 'Merk the Berk' who I'm sure is destined to referee an England game to put paid to our hopes. Appiah scores and Ghana hold on in the second half to dump out the Czechs and USA. Still, USA have the consolation of having the best designed shirt - a predominantly white shirt with a thin red and blue vertical stripe from shoulder to tail.
Brazil 4 Japan 1
Japan have the temerity to score against Brazil through a brilliant strike at the near post by Tamada although it means that Japan still have to score at least once more to have any chance of getting through and relying on a narrow Australian loss. Brazil wake up soon enough and Ronaldo delivers two fingers to his detractors by scoring two beauties and run the Japanese ragged. When Brazil can be bothered it's fantastic to watch so the ideal scenario is for a team to score a 90th (or should that be 95th minute) goal after 0-0. It's hard to see who will beat them but I hope Ghana scare the living deadlights out of them. (Sadly less Michael Essien who picked up a second yellow)
Australia 2 Croatia 2
What an absolutely gripping game from start to finish with the Aussies fully deserving to go through against a tactically inept Croatian side who were content to defend their lead twice. Australia only need a draw to go through. The Croatian manager, Kranjcar seems to have been wired to the German National Grid such is his manic eye popping and gesturing which even beats Big Phil of Portugal for stress although he does look ridiculous in his suit which has very short arms ( have a word with your tailor mate)
Srna opens the scoring for Croatia with a superbly taken free kick on 2 minutes. This is followed by an obvious penalty for a foul on Viduka which referee Graham Poll (more later) ignores. The second penalty is awarded though when a hand from Simic is spotted and Craig Moores smashes home the resulting penalty. Now, the thing to point out here is that Croatia defended poorly and lacked a good first touch and gave the ball away very cheaply which set the tone for the match and the Aussies just capitalised on it. 1-1 at half time and if Australia can just keep the ball away from their freaky goalie Jack Kalac who has already had a minor aberation from an easy cross by nearly turning in to his own net. I think if Kalac and Frankenstein competed in a neanderthal competition old Frankie would win points for his good looks and goalkeeping skills. A weak shot from Kovac is somehow bundled over his sprawling 6ft 8in body and the ball trickles embarrassingly in to the net. Apparently his nickname is 'the spider'. Well, after this performance he was about as effective as a real one at life size. Think of a money spider on the tip of your finger. He also threw the ball out to a Croatian attacker later in the game but such was Croatia's ineffectiveness it was wasted.
Going back to Poll, now, whose influence is crucial, misses a second penalty appeal when a Croatian defender flicks it away with his hand after Josh 'Jesus' Kennedy (their talisman) comes on. Croatia finally throw away their advantage and Kewell makes no mistake from 5 yards out when the ball falls to his feet through a pack of Croatians. Kalac is saved from almost certain lynching but it's Poll who should be the most embarrassed. He booked Simunic in the first half and gives him a second yellow. The Croatian starts to walk off until he realises that the dolt hasn't showed him a red and therefore he remains on the field with Poll oblivious. In fact he probably when he gets a third yellow just before the final whistle and finally Simunic leaves the field. Prso and Olic up front are totally ineffective for Croatia and the right team goes through. The Italians will do well not to underestimate this team of triers in the next round.
Spain 1 Saudi Arabia 0
The scoreline doesn't do them justice. They quite simply steamrollered one of the worst teams in the competition. Juanito's bullet header was enough for Spain to go through with a 100% record.
Ukraine 1 Tunisia 0
Tunisia's seach for a first win in the World Cup since 1978 continues and the Ukraine judging from the online highlights deserved to go trhough on the basis of several chances yet we have to see the free flowing football they displayed in the qualfiers. Shevhenko sends them through with a penalty.
France 2 Togo 0
For nearly sxity minutes France were creating very attractive football but lacked both speed and a cutting edge. If you contrast the manner of attack with Australia which always shows urgency the French sauntered their way through by getting the victory they required. Henry scored one but at times his touch let him down again and Trezeguet, like Ibrahimovic, has yet to prove himself to this blogger as a world class player. Togo have a couple of very decent players, most notably Adebayor but were restricted to mainly long range efforts. France now face Spain in a most mouthwatering clash. Spain are favourites according to form but they may get an attack of their famous jitters. The reward for French victory is a meeting with Brazil in the Quarters. Que Sera!/Comme si, Comme Ca
Switzerland 2 South Korea 0
Switzerland now meet Ukraine and unbelievably one of these teams will reach the quarter final! Having said that the Swiss looked impressive in a stout, good at set pieces kind of way. I was reading somewhere that 80% of South Koreans expected them to go the semi final on the basis of 4 years ago. Time, location and referees have changed. I will not miss the chant 'Dae Aiee min gook!' or something like that. I have just read that the Swiss scorer and defender Senderos will miss be going home with a shoulder dislocation which will be a huge blow for them.
THE SECOND ROUND!!!!!!!!
Germany 2 Sweden 0
The German juggernaut continues to move through the gears smashing everything thing in it's wake and so far none of the challengers have really put them under pressure but the next game will surely make or break the team when they play Argentina (probably, at the time of writing)
The Swedes were poor defensively, went down by two goals, had a man sent off and missed a penalty that might have got them back in the game. In short, they were miserable. So much so that rather than watch the second half I painted my wooden chair (white - second coat) while I listened to TalkSport and cursing in my finest Anglo-Saxon when Larsson missed his penalty.
Argentina 2 Mexico 1 (aet)
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Know your enemy. This certainly applies to Mexico who came close to knocking the Argentines in a very intense and absorbing contest. To tear myself away for a beer from the fridge was a struggle. Ricardo La Volpe looked less menacing in his Jeremy Clarkson pale blue jean and black jacket combo. Mexico have met Argentina recently in the Copa America and for 70 minutes were the equal. The first ten minutes saw two goals. The first from Mexico and the second an own goal for Argentina to level up. However, Mexico tired and as Argentina brought on the cavalry in the form of Tevez and Messi there was only going to be one outcome. Mexico did well to hold Argentina in 90 minutes but then Maxi Rodridgues flicked up the ball from outside the box and hit a dipping shot past the despairing Mexican keeper. Not even Gordon Banks or Superman (maybe) could have stopped it. That was the best goal of the tournament and not their 24 pass goal. Did the Mexican crowd shout 'Burro!' (Donkey) whenever the Abbandonzieri took his goal kick? If so good on em' they can leave with their heads held high.
England 1 Ecuador 0
Winning ugly again although in a different fashion. It could have all been different though when Terry headed back poorly towards Robinson and Tenorio had his shot miraculouly deflected over the by the heroics of Ashley Cole. England dominated but without real conviction using 4-5-1 formation. Owen Hargreaves convinced me he was essential to England's defensive frailties. Carols Tenorio looked their most dangerous player but in the main they were restricted to long range efforts missing by at least 10 yards every time. England got their goal after half time when Beckham curled a beauty into the corner shaving the post as it went in. Shortly afterwards though he chundered some 'green' after feeling totally dehydrated by the 36 degree heat. England grimly held on to meet expectations by getting to the quarter final. Still unconvinced and still think the Quarter Finals will be our downfall. Frank Lampard has had 20 plus shots on goal but with none going in.
Portugal 1 Holland 0
If you thought the USA v Italy game was violent think again. This was a war. Four sendings off and 16 yellows! Portugal scored the only goal of the game after Maniche created space for himself before firing past Van der Sar. Then Costinha got sent off for a very stupid handball just before half time which was going to set up an interesting second half as Portugal were comfortable defending their lead. Holland pressed and pressed and were repulsed by the stout Portugeuse defence. Kuyt, impressively blonde but little else failed to impose himself enough to equalise and Van Nistelrooy looked rueful as he remained on the subs bench for the rest of the match. Defender Boulahrouz got sent off for Holland so they were bacl to 10 each. There was some seriously bad tempered scuffling and Figo was lucky to only get a yellow when he butted Van Bronckhorst with the referee not seeing hit although FIFA probably will. Ronaldo managed to get a dead leg which prompted more ferocious tackling. Then Deco got sent off for time wasting (second yellow) and Holland just to even things up again got Van Bronckhorst sent off! 9 versus 9 and if Holland got an equaliser it would be 30 minutes extra time but alas Holland could just not find a way past Ricardo who wasn't totally convincing and Portugal meet England in a serious grudge match. In short both teams were dirty little cheats and both deserve to go out. Meaning England get a bye in to the semis!
Italy 1 Australia 0
I was back at work for this one. The highlights showed Italy on top creating chances and Australia should have gambled when Materazzi was sent off for fouling Bresciano. As it was the wily Italians left it to 93rd minute when Grossi fell over Lucas Neill and gave a penalty (couldn't have happened to a nicer person!) The unimpressive Totti converted it and there was no time for even a punt towards goal for Australia.
Ukraine 0 Switzerland 0 (Ukraine win 3-0 on pens)
Bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! (Vyvyan takes a cricket bat and thwacks Rik's forehead) BORED!
Two teams cancel each other out with a dull defensive display. Frie hit the bar from a free kick in the first half and Shevchenko had a half chance in the second. Worst game in the World Cup so far. Who said the knockout stages were more interesting! The penalty shoot out was entertaining. Both teams missed their first go (Shevchenko - who I keep hearing is the best centre forward in the world and the two or three games I've seen him in has been average. Chelsea wasted £30m on a 30 year old. Crazy!) Then the young Milevskiy cheekily chipped a goal and it was all over. The Swiss failed to score from two more. Ukraine play Italy for a place in the semis.
Brazil 3 Ghana 0
There seems to be a horrible inevitability to this competition. Brazil are on fire and looking absolutely lethal. Ghana had their chances but even Dida was in top form in goal. I think the Brazilians have either sold their soul to the devil in return for playing amazing football (the passes to feet and one-touch football is breathtaking) or they are aliens from the planet Zarkod. They have at least 5 Rooneys. I think we should just hand the trophy over now. Have they no weaknesses?! Well, I guess Ghana did have their chances and did not quite have the killer touch. Brazil all the way to meet and beat Germany in the final. I feel quite despondent now. England beating Brazil? Don't make me laugh.
France 3 Spain 1
A cagey game that ended with a surprise victory. Or was it? Everything pointed to Spain for a victory. Unbeaten in 24 matches and not conceding a goal in the group stages. David Villa's penalty raised hopes of a quarter final with Brazil then Viera missed a sitter before Franck Ribery latched on to a throughball and rounded the keeper. Mayhem ensued in the last five minutes of the first half when attacks went from end to end. The second half was drab until Viera headed in off a Zidane free kick via a deflection and Zidane completed Spanish misery. Back to the drawing board for luckless Spain. I'm verging on feeling sorry for them but not quite. I was just waiting for Tyldesley to say something like 'they'll be crying in to their Rioja/Sangria tonight!' but thankfully he didn't.
Bear Murderers 1 Argentina 1 (4-2 on pens)
A difficult choice between who you'd want to win although there's something a little romantic about a team who were rubbished from the start by their own people, the press and even ex-players (I'm talking about Germany here just in case you're wondering!) It took 80 minutes for Germany to finally hit the target and send the game in to extra time. The only chance seen from the highlights was a header onto the crossbar from Argentina before the dread of penalties. The Germans are still absolutely ice cool from the spot. They have never lost on penalties and so the result never looked in any doubt with Cambiasso missing the vital one. The Argies, of whom we've generally seen Mr Jekyll, unleashed their Mr Hyde right after Mertesacker was kicked in the Balkans by an unused substitute called Cufre. There was a melee afterwards in which both sides brawled. Disgraceful but fun to watch of course.
Italy 3 Ukraine 0
Ukraine had their chances and blew them. They missed Voronin who was injured for the rest of the tournament and I'm still not convinced about Shevchenko. They need to bring back Football Italia on to our terrestrial sets so I can watch these players! Blokhin looking like a Russian submarine commander looked to have given up after the second goal from Toni went in.
England 0 Portugal 0 (Portugal win 3-1 on pens)
Lowdown Fingerlicking Hound Dog Smith talks about his roots music origins:
'Want to know what the blues is? Try nailing your balls to a tree, multiply that pain by a lifetime and you nearly got da blues' Or indeed just watching England play in the World Cup.
Let's be honest about things. Unlike 2002 we were never on fire at this World Cup. The extra wek's break that Sven wanted seems to have made no difference to the quality or freshness of the players. We played one good half against Sweden which was the sum total of our highlights.
As for the game, Rooney got himself sent off for the silly push on Ronaldo in the second half, (a man surely marked for a good shoeing when he gets back to play in the premiership) let alone the stamp the balls of another player. Ronaldo had badgered the referee to send Rooney off which was not the only piece of appalling sportmanship and general lack of gentlemanly conduct from the Portugeuse side who I think are utterly unlikeable even as a group of human beings.
Surprisingly, we actually played better with ten men and when Sven's boyfriend Beckham went off with Lennon coming on we looked like a team that could really nick it at the death. However, he was inexplicably taken off at the end and replaced by Thicky Carragher who couldn't even wait for the whistle for his penalty and missed it after he had thought he'd scored the first one. Bring on England's first ginger manager and drop Beckham forever! (Feel free to contradict me)
As a spectacle unless you were an England or Portugeuse supporter it was utterly dull. For me, when it got the penalty shoot out it was a feeling like waiting for the hangman to pick you up from your cell. The trouble is, the England players knew it too. The lack of belief on their faces as they took the penalties was astounding. All of them, bar Hargreaves whom I wish to apologise to for not thinking he was a good player, missed them. Even Mr Dependable - Steven Gerrard had his saved. Ricardo, the Portugeuse keeper, who never looked comfortable during open play saved three penalties and was their man of the match.
Still, Doctor Who was on afterwards. This week the Doctor and Rose travel back in to early 1980's Madeira to stop Mrs Ronaldo conceiving.
Brazil 0 France 1
It's an all European semi-final and France who looked particularly mediocre during the group stages have suddenly upped the ante and looked like world beaters. Brazil by contrast went backwards. Ronaldinho, who looks increasingly like an early Disney character, think Goofy with a perm was doing his two footed shuffle to little effect. In fact, throughout the tournament I've never seen him lost as much possession as he has during this World Cup. Perhaps the domestic campaign and subsequent Champions League final had taken it all out of him. He was also sporting a ridiculous black headband with a large 'R' on the front when it should have been 'T' for Tit.
Anyhow, France grabbed their semi final place with some sublime footwork from Zidane, some surging runs from Ribery, (whose scar is getting angrier by the game - perhaps Voldomort is near) and finally a headed goal from Henry who nodded it in early from a Zidane cross earky in the second half. Brazil didn't really come that close to equalising and I would say it the last time we see Cafu, Roberto Carlos and Ronaldo (probably) in a Brazilian shirt.
Turning back to the England v Portugal game:
If Ronaldo dares to play in the Premiership again and if rumours are to be believed angling for a move to Real Madrid then this little ditty much used before is a perfect homecoming for him:
'Why was he born so beautiful, Why was he born at all
He's no fucking use to anyone, he's no fucking use at all'
Although, it will almost certainly be this one to the tune of 'Hey Baby'
'Heeeeeeey, hey Ronaldo. Oooh! Aah! I wanna knooooow why you're such a c..t!'
Germany 0 Italy 2 (aet)
Germany were clearly lacking a striker as they thundered through the centre of midfield like a team of yore. However, the Italian defence were than equal to their attack. Cannavaro had an outstanding game. It was fairly evenly balanced but during the second half Germany started to take a stranglehold of the game with every pass finding a German. I suspect them of using telepathy which I'm surprised Blatter hasn't yet banned. It was 90 minutes of end to end action with defences coming off better. Ballack who outhorses Van Nistelrooy in face-terms had an average game. The German team on the whole lacked a lot technical nouse but they made up for it in spades in team effort. Something which England should learn from.
In the first two minutes of the first half of extra time Italy hit the post twice. Iaquinta sneaking past a defender and beating Lehmann and then a shot from outside the area. Italy played an attacking game and the gamble paid off. Podolski had a golden chance when he had an open headed chance at the end of the first half but headed well wide. It was heading towards the grim prospects of penalties and five seamless German spotkicks and Italian anguish but two minutes before the final whistle Grosso smacked a beautiful curler passed Lehmann to silence the constantly whistling German crowd. A minute later desperate to push for an equaliser, Del Piero rushed down the pitch to slot past Lehmann to seal a memorable victory. Feel sorry for the Germans? Frankly no, but I admire their spirit.
France 1 Portugal 0
'Instant karma's gonna get you' sang John Lennon and tonight he was proved right.
After the bear-murderers had been dispatched by the Azzuri it was time for the Gallic wonders to dispose of the blatent cheats. Despite going in to the game with a terrible reputation for throwing themselves on the floor the Portugal team actually managed to surpass themselves by doing some formation falling. At this rate they will become great paratroopers. Every tackle was met with a fall and histrionics from Big Phil who I'm now glad isn't going to be England manager.
This quite unremarkable semi final was settled by a Zidane penalty. Henry twisted in the box after Carvalho managed to try and foul him with both legs. The BBC commentary team were convinced it was a penalty but I wasn't sure that Henry wasn't making a meal of it. Such quibbles I have put aside as it was Portugal on the receiving end.
After France had scored they sat back and nearly paid the price but luckily for them Portugal were completely toothless in attack. Ronaldo foraged but rarely looked like a clinical finisher. Pauleta was more or less anonymous and even Deco was poor. Figo was their best player. Barthez nearly earned the 'school spanner' title as he floundered at a free kick and scooped the ball with both hands towards a Portuguese attacker yet still managed to get away with it. The final whistle went and Portugal whimpered out of the tournament with Ronaldo crying his eyes out and Big Phil berating the referee. Magic!
Bear Murderers 3 Feigning Cheats 1
There was no way that Germany were going to lose this. This was their final.
A rather dull and uninspired first half with Germany failing to break open the defence and Portugal lacking any sort of striker. Pauleta may have scored 47 goals but 3 of those were against the Cape Verde Islands. (who are they? Excacccctly!) The second half started similarly until a goal from nowhere from the best named man in the tournament - Schweinsteiger! A second was added from Lahm until Schweiny scored another belter to make it 3-0. Bellowing bratwurst Oliver Kahn was back in goal if only to say goodbye before Lehmann takes the role on a permanent basis. Yet again Ronaldo was practising his dying swan routine and was on record before the game as saying that Manchester United had done nothing to defend him but how do you defend the indefensible?! Looks like that move to Real Madrid is likely and fitting since their team is made up of showboaters (Beckham, Roberto Carlos, Raul et al)
Nuno Gomes added one at the end after a sublime cross from Figo who was playing his 127th and last game for Portugal. It rather begs the question of why Scolari persisted with Pauleta?
Italy 1 France 1 (5-4 on pens)
It feels like such a hollow victory. Italy were not the better side in this final although they were incredibly assured in the shoot out with Grosso belting home the last one. The first half saw Zidane smack home a penalty off the crossbar after Malouda went down far too easily. Matterazi equalised 12 minutes later with a header from a corner and in fact Italy should have pressed home the advantage during the first half. The second half saw France with renewed vigour and purpose restricting Italy to very few chances. Extra time hinged on one incident. Materazzi tangled with Zidane a few words were exchanged. The Italian appeared to persist as Zidane was running away and butted him in the chest. Not seen by the referee but the fourth official Zidane was sent off in his last ever game. A moment of madness as described by everyone in the BBC commentary team. Neither side was deserving of victory so it went to penalties. Italy so often the 'England' of penalty shoot outs had the nerve and the guts to finish it off with Trezeguet hitting the crossbar for the vital miss for France. Italy had managed to score victory with players facing a very uncertain future as the top four Italian league clubs could be demoted a division on the following day but who cares because faced with winning the World Cup and competing against Rotherham the following season I wouldn't mind at all. Watch the Premiership clubs swoop if all four clubs are relegated! There were no outstanding teams in this World Cup so Italy just about scrape over the line. Here's to Euro 2008. With all the negativity surrounding McClaren lets hope England can do an 'Italy' and defy the odds for once!
