The Veldt Cup 2010
Introduction
I am looking into a crystal ball. It's the official crystal ball of the FIFA 2010 world cup provided by Deja Vu Incorporated. Everything within the ball is misty and murky for now but wait...the picture is beginning to clear. I see a man. He is a short man. He is a maniac. He used to play for a team playing in blue and white vertical stripes. He laughs in the face of all criticism. Anyone who criticises him he calls an unsavoury character who consorts with other unsavoury characters. I see another man. He is smartly dressed,serious and the glasses he wears he could be the senior partner of a large law firm. They shake hands and the game begins. There is another short man. Some important media men say he is the best footballer ever, ever, ever. No less a pan global phenomenon. He has the ball glued to his feet and skips past two stationary midefielders. Wait! He falls lamely over in the penalty box 'He'll be disappointed with himself there I fancy' - is just one of the things John Motson will say and then... and then....the picture is fading now.
Well as Kevin Keegan once said 'I don't want to make any predictions - it could go either way' This blog is about saying what you see as Roy Walker of the unfeasibly popular 'Catchphrase' might say. One damning statistic is that European teams have never won the world cup outside of Europe.
So what of England. I feel like a dodgy car salesman by talking up our chances. Not unlike describing a brand new Toyota for example. On the surface it looks like a well oiled, shiny and plush machine on the surface but lets break it down:
Back End and boot: Old and a bit dodgy
Suspension: Questionable recent form/lack of games for key players
Gear box: Prone to injury/getting old and creaky
Engine: Great on their day but not world beaters when the chips are down
Verdict
Unsettled, prone to injury and liable to break down at key moments
One thing is for sure, the tournament(sponsored by Toilet Duck - the official lavatory cleaner of the 2010 World Cup) needs to be an improvement on the borefest of 2006 when even this blogger didn't really care whether we beat Portugal or not in the quarter finals and we played some of the most stultifying football this side of a George Graham managed Arsenal. Also Italy, winners in Germany? it doesn't really fit together. Can anybody remember the winning goal? It almost seemed like the World Cup that didn't actually finish.
The egregious Mr Blatter, godspeed sir godspeed (to an untimely end), is still in charge along with that equally loveable rogue Jack 'Tickets' Warner. Antipathy towards Team England pouring out of their stuffed expensive shirts. Nothing in the way the game has played been changed. The Thierry Henry goal in the play offs highlighting the lack of goaline technology and retrospective punishment for cheating or clamping down on diving during the game by giving an instant red card or retrospective suspension. And will someone in the name of Carlton Palmer remove the weak word 'simulation' from the football vocabulary? I much prefer the words 'skullduggery' or 'fraudulent'.
As much as it pains me, I will give Mr Blatter credit for bringing the first tournament to Africa and it looks as if they've made a good job of the stadiums but it remains to be seen whether the infrastructure will be able to cope the multitudes of Castle Lager drinking hordes of Western Europe.
Introduction
I am looking into a crystal ball. It's the official crystal ball of the FIFA 2010 world cup provided by Deja Vu Incorporated. Everything within the ball is misty and murky for now but wait...the picture is beginning to clear. I see a man. He is a short man. He is a maniac. He used to play for a team playing in blue and white vertical stripes. He laughs in the face of all criticism. Anyone who criticises him he calls an unsavoury character who consorts with other unsavoury characters. I see another man. He is smartly dressed,serious and the glasses he wears he could be the senior partner of a large law firm. They shake hands and the game begins. There is another short man. Some important media men say he is the best footballer ever, ever, ever. No less a pan global phenomenon. He has the ball glued to his feet and skips past two stationary midefielders. Wait! He falls lamely over in the penalty box 'He'll be disappointed with himself there I fancy' - is just one of the things John Motson will say and then... and then....the picture is fading now.
Well as Kevin Keegan once said 'I don't want to make any predictions - it could go either way' This blog is about saying what you see as Roy Walker of the unfeasibly popular 'Catchphrase' might say. One damning statistic is that European teams have never won the world cup outside of Europe.
So what of England. I feel like a dodgy car salesman by talking up our chances. Not unlike describing a brand new Toyota for example. On the surface it looks like a well oiled, shiny and plush machine on the surface but lets break it down:
Back End and boot: Old and a bit dodgy
Suspension: Questionable recent form/lack of games for key players
Gear box: Prone to injury/getting old and creaky
Engine: Great on their day but not world beaters when the chips are down
Verdict
Unsettled, prone to injury and liable to break down at key moments
One thing is for sure, the tournament(sponsored by Toilet Duck - the official lavatory cleaner of the 2010 World Cup) needs to be an improvement on the borefest of 2006 when even this blogger didn't really care whether we beat Portugal or not in the quarter finals and we played some of the most stultifying football this side of a George Graham managed Arsenal. Also Italy, winners in Germany? it doesn't really fit together. Can anybody remember the winning goal? It almost seemed like the World Cup that didn't actually finish.
The egregious Mr Blatter, godspeed sir godspeed (to an untimely end), is still in charge along with that equally loveable rogue Jack 'Tickets' Warner. Antipathy towards Team England pouring out of their stuffed expensive shirts. Nothing in the way the game has played been changed. The Thierry Henry goal in the play offs highlighting the lack of goaline technology and retrospective punishment for cheating or clamping down on diving during the game by giving an instant red card or retrospective suspension. And will someone in the name of Carlton Palmer remove the weak word 'simulation' from the football vocabulary? I much prefer the words 'skullduggery' or 'fraudulent'.
As much as it pains me, I will give Mr Blatter credit for bringing the first tournament to Africa and it looks as if they've made a good job of the stadiums but it remains to be seen whether the infrastructure will be able to cope the multitudes of Castle Lager drinking hordes of Western Europe.
posted by jimjamcookie | 5:16 AM
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